By Grace and Grace Alone

By Grace and Grace Alone

For much of my life I had thought Religion was all I needed. I had my "Good Christian" checklist all checked and completed by the time I was 22. I was baptized as an infant. Our family went to church every Sunday. I went to Sunday school and was confirmed. I was married in the church. I was a helper and a fixer. I volunteered for nearly everything. With all the good deeds I did, I was sure I had earned my way into Heaven. I thought for sure God must be smiling down on me and so proud of all I had done.

It was not until 3 little girls later and a young husband diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic cancer, that I realized I had it all wrong. As much as I wanted to, I could not fix this. Our hearts had been completely crushed. We desperately needed a Savior. It was there in our darkest days that I could see a tiny light. A flicker of hope and I so badly wanted to get closer. It was than that I realized that Heaven is not a place where you "earn" your way.

I knew I needed to do something different with my religion, honestly I did not feel like I even had time to blink let alone build a relationship with God. I was 33 years old with 3 sweet girls ages 10, 8, and 5. I needed to figure out how we would get through this. My heart was breaking. I was so scared and felt so alone. The only experience I had with cancer of a loved one was my grandparents, but not until I was an adult. How do you tell your babies their daddy has cancer and there is currently no cure...How do you break this to them without breaking their little hearts and crushing the dreams they had for this life? I decided I would take them to get an ice cream cone and take them to the park...that should ease their pain, right? Who was I kidding. I will never forget watching every ounce of hope drip out of their sweet little eyes. Where hope left, fear filled those eyes. Ella, our oldest and mother hen, needed to know all the details and wanted to know how she could fix this. Brooke, who is extremely quiet but such a lover. I watched her crawl into herself and not want to speak of it since that day. Claire, our finale baby, was so scared but knew nothing about cancer. She knew it was something bad because she watched her big sisters completely break down.

For most of the first year and a half, I lived on autopilot. Taking care of everyone and everything except myself. I ended up in an emergency room all by myself (not that I had to be alone. I have amazing family and friends who would have dropped everything to be there with me.) I thought for sure I was dying and did not want to bother anyone until I knew for sure that I was dying. The doctor was amazing. She sat and held my hand during an EKG. My heart was perfect, but how could that be when I felt so completely broken. She hugged me as she broke the news to me that I was not dying, but instead I was suffering from an anxiety attack and depression. At first I was angry. How in the world could that be...I am strong and a fixer.

That dark and cold January evening I opened my Bible to Romans 8:28

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

I felt as though the wind was knocked out of my chest. I knew I had not loved God the way I should. I was also not leading my family to him. Immediately I hit my knees sobbing. I knew at that moment my life would be lived completely different. For the first time in my life I felt an unexplainable joy and hope in a time that was filled with so many uncertainties. Every single day I pray that God will have his way with me. I pray that HIS will be done and not my own. It's a bold prayer that can be overwhelming, but at the end of the day I hope to bring his name glory.

Each day gets a little easier to rely on God and trust that he loves my family more than I could. I had to give my family to him. God does not ask us to understand his plan. He only asks that we trust him. When I truly began to put my faith in him, he began to move mountains in our lives. Every oncology appointment left us feeling hopeful. God was performing miracles. When the doctors told us they were not sure how Nick continued to do so well and defeat many odds....I knew exactly who was in charge.

Today I can boldly say that I am the daughter of a mighty King. He carries me, my burdens and my faults through each day. He walks before me, beside me and behind me. It is only because of the blood of Jesus Christ that I am saved.

My prayer for you all is for you to experience the love of Jesus in ways that you have never been loved by anyone else. I pray you find your way to our Heavenly Father. He's waiting for you to come closer. We need is to surrender and let him fight for us and carry us through this crazy, scary world. All we need is a little faith.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8

Much Love and Grace,

Steph

How Honest Is Too Honest?

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."- Psalm 147:3

Last nights bedtime started like most bedtimes here in the Bartelt household. E and I read. B and I play cards. C and I play "Spot It." Their bedtime routines are individual...just momma and one girl. This bedtime routine is so important to me because it gives me time alone with each girl to really dig in deep about their day. We ALWAYS do the 6 questions activity: "Today I was happy when...", Today I was sad or mad when...", "Today I was scared, worried, or nervous when...", "Today I was excited when...", "Right now I feel...", and "Bedtime makes me feel..." Sometimes we also add 2 goods and 1 bad about the day,

While tucking in my sweet Claire Bear she asked, "Momma, do you remember the day you broke our hearts? Ella, Brooke and Me? I forgive you, momma! And I also know your heart was broken that day as well. And I know your heart still hurts and lots about life has changed, but momma...we're makin" it! You're doing a good job gluing my heart back together, but I think there are probably going to be some scars, momma."

Boy do I remember that day. It was the afternoon of Wednesday, August 26th, 2015. I remember it like yesterday. I relive that day a lot...thinking of how I could have done it better.

The girls had known Nick had several dr appointments that week. They also knew their daddy was very sick. The whole way to daycare I tried to think of the best ways to break the news to them. Nick and I had decided I needed to tell the girls without him there. If they say how scared and sad their strong daddy was, that would have completely crushed any ounce of hope they had. 

I picked the three of them up from daycare and decided to get them icecream cones and take them to a near by park. I let the girls eat their cones in the car which never was an option. When we got to the park we found a bench to sit at to finish our icecream. That is where I shared the news with the girls. "Girls, you know how daddy has been really sick? We met with an incredible dr who can help him feel better, but I do have to tell you....Daddy has cancer." I had never seen that look of fear  in their sweet faces EVER. My heart was already broken and now I just broke their's.

They had lots of tears and double the questions. All I could say was that "no matter what we are a family. No matter what we have a God who loves us madly. No matter what we would get through this together as a family."

A lot has changed since that day...That was the day trust was born. Many people ask why I would share such devastation with them, but the one thing I always share is, "Yes, we are honest and upfront with our girls, but we are in no way brutally honest. We are age appropriate honest. We are honest without crushing hopes and dreams."

For our family, honesty works and is so important. Our girls are at an age where trust is so important. I feel like if I disregarded their questions and feelings they would definitely be left more confused and more hurt than before. What if they over hear new information from someone else? I would rather they hear it from Nick and I, so we can give them the information needed...sometimes very minimal depending on the age.

For us, age appropriate honesty works. It may not work for all, but I do encourage others in similar situations to be as honest as possible. That way when life happens there will likely not be many unanswered questions and broken hearts.

I broke my babies hearts that afternoon, but I promised to stand along side of them as we pick up the pieces and rebuilt our hearts together...piece by piece.

Much Love and Grace,

Steph 

Gifted with 3 Beautiful Responsibilities

Today I received several messages about my current self-care practices. Many shamed me for not taking enough "alone, ME time." But here's the deal...for me spending time with my family is not a burden. I would much rather spend time loving on my family than spending alone time with myself.

When you have your best friend and husband diagnosed with an incurable cancer you choose to spend your every waking hour with your family.

Of course I know it is important to take time for me, but I feel I will have plenty of time for that when my family is grown and no longer needs me as badly as they once did. God blessed me with these sweet girls and I believe my responsibility is to love them madly...in a way that they will never question the love of Jesus. So much of our lives are so uncertain, but the one thing I can keep constant is my love and devotion to their sweet little lives.

They lives are already a bit lonely, because many of their friends will never know the stress of waiting for their daddy's PET scan results. No one truly understands how devastating these test results can be. They need me to be 100% at the top of my game...there for the cries. There to pick up the devastated pieces of their hearts.

I choose to poor the majority of my life into theirs. Because my worst fear is to miss a cry for help. I want them to know I gave my all to love them fiercely and madly. I will one day get my alone time, but for now I am content loving my family so hard in this season.

Ella--> my mother hen, my old soul, my fixer and caregiver. I need her to just be 12. To let me carry her burdens and to mother her and her 2 younger sisters. If I were to take me time that would put a huge amount of responsibility on her shoulders...much more than any child should ever have to carry.

Brooke--> My sweet, heart fixer. My rainbow baby. My silent fighter. She needs reassurance daily that everything is going to be ok. She needs to know that we made it through today and tomorrow will come and we will survive that as well. If I were to take time away from home, she would be crushed with fear. She needs her momma to let her know that no matter what everything will one day be the way God intended it to be.

Claire Bear--> Our finale baby. She never takes life too seriously. She does know her daddy's cancer is serious, but she definitely lives her life full of joy. She needs her momma to be home for bedtime stories. She also needs to see her momma taking care of her daddy. She is still so young and definitely needs several more years with her daddy to get to know who exactly he is.

So, when people tell me I am failing life because I do not take enough me time....
What I have to say is very important...My girls complete me. They are all gifts and beautiful responsibilities given to me by my Heavenly Father. One day they will be grown and raising their own families and that is when I will focus more on me time. But for now...I am completely content loving my family. For now I am ok with being needed 24/7. What breaks my heart most is that one day they will not need there momma.

So, in this season...I choose to love my babies madly! I will most likely never, EVER get these days back.

If you want to change the world....start at HOME

Self-Care: It's a Tough One

"for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."

-1 Timothy 4:8 ESV

Self-Care is definitely a struggle for many. I also believe self-care looks different in each season of our lives.

The top five areas of self-care include:

01) Physical--> involves fitness and sleep habits. Also includes how you manage stress, you dental/medical check-ups, etc

      examples: walk, bike, work-out, lift weights, cardio, clean/organize

02) Intellectual--> involves personal growth, continuing pursuit for learning and education, engaging in new things, practicing mindfulness and having a positive mindset

      examples: read, DIY, turn off your phone and electronics

03) Social--> involves having a supportive network of people you can turn to when you need uplifting, guidance, or someone to talk to. Social connection helps create a sense of belonging and acceptance.

      examples: Friends, coffee/lunch/supper dates, letter writing, movie dates                          and dates to social settings such as bars and clubs

04) Spiritual--> involves the beliefs and values that help guide your life. Practices that help nourish your soul, seek understanding and explore your spiritual life.

      examples: pray, church fellowship, explore nature, read the good word                              (The Bible)

05) Emotional--> involves awareness of your feelings and emotions, dealing with stress positively and cultivating a sense of compassion, kindness, and love for ourselves and others.

       examples: meditate, yoga, journal, and gratitude practice

Right now in this season of life of having a husband fighting to beat cancer and 3 young girls who need so much, but most of all they need reassurance and time I find my self-care is much different than other seasons and especially other friends. I am needed 24 hours per day 7 days a week. Alone time...me time...it's not a top priority. And definitely is not doable.

I definitely lack in the Social aspect of self-care. Most days are awkward and lacking human interactions.

Most of all I need my "tribe" to say "I AM HERE. You need time! Come...spend time with me. I am here...here to listen. Here to talk and sometimes to never speak a word of cancer."

I need friends to check in...no matter what...check in to just be present. 

Your self-care definitely looks different than  my own, but I believe that is why the first word is "self." 

Right now my most important self-care practice is to breath...just breath. Focus on breathing correctly for 5 whole minutes...nothing else and nothing less.

Don't beat yourself up if you are lacking in the self-care department. Pick one doable thing for this season.

If you want to change the world...

2nd chances are never promised, but sometimes they are the gift of grace and mercy from our Heavenly Father. I have said several times that the day we found out about Nick's cancer we were given a 2nd chance to truly live. A life that mattered. A life worth living. I believe a lot of times we need a serious life change to realize we are not living the life God intended. That we are merely just going through the motions.

I do NOT believe that cancer is a blessing and I never will, but I do know that God has blessed our family tremendously through these dark, dark days. He has been there every step of the way even if I did not notice while stuck in the storm. But looking back I can definitely see His mighty hands at work in our lives.

For the last few years I have painted the image that I had my sh*t together. My family most likely looked like "The Facebook Fairy Tale." That I could do this hard stuff without a savior and definitely without outside help, because I believed I did not have time to wait on God to fix this. Many days I cried out, screamed out and ultimately blocked out our God. I have also questioned God's goodness more days than I would like to admit and still to this day...I have them poor me days. Days where I refuse to crawl out of bed. Days I drop my babies off at school only to quickly return home to crawl under the covers to avoid feeling what needed to be felt. To avoid the realization that God has bigger plans for my life.

I would have rather completely lost it behind closed doors and pulled curtains, only to post about how incredibly blessed I am. Don't get me wrong...I am absolutely blessed, but I am also human. I need help and need to humbly ask for help. I need to remember that there will definitely be days lacking rainbows and butterflies.

This past November I met an amazing mother-in-law. She shared with me that she so desired to feel needed. She felt guilty that her young daughter-in-law was fighting for her life while she felt fulfilled in life. She questioned why God would not choose her...she has lived a long, beautiful life. She helped me realize that when I would rather be left alone with my mess of a life... people are longing to find a way to help with anything. Let it be laundry, meals, cleaning my barnyard house. I believe God wants me to graciously accept help so that I can be used for more important, lasting life memories. One on one times with each of our girls to truly tap into what they need from me daily. My babies will not remember who came to clean on what day...they will remember the cleaning time I gave up to snuggle and devote to them.

Life is hard, but we are not meant to struggle through this alone. God has sent many helpers, many listening ears, and many people who just plain love us. "It takes a village..."

My hope for this blog is to reach the hearts of other caregivers and mothers. To not mask our daily struggles, but help them be ok with not being ok. To be real and raw through the good, bad and extremely ugly. To truly embrace your second chance to love on those who God has placed in front of us. Who really cares if your house is clean or your family is perfect? Just please remember none of us are promised a tomorrow. Whether you have cancer or not...your life could be completely changed in the blink of an eye. So love hard those that God has placed in your life...they are here for a reason. Ask and accept help...People need to feel needed.

They Call Me MOMMA

The greatest warriors this world will ever know call me Momma. 

As many of you know I am the wife of a young cancer survivor. I am the mother of 3 young girls who are fighting every single minute of every single day. They are small, but mighty.

It has been close to 2 1/2 years since Nick's diagnosis in August of 2015. But here is the part you may forget...Nick is not the only one fighting this disease. We have three sweet girls fighting every day.
While their daddy and Prince Charming was diagnosed with an  incurable cancer they were expected to keep moving forward with this world. They are expected every day to excel in school. To participate in the everyday normal while their little lives are far from normal and most likely never will be. My heart breaks for them every morning I send them off to school. To be judged side by side by children who will never know the ache they feel daily.

Each month were are given only a few good days with Nick. Every other week he endures chemo. Every two weeks we come home to have our 12, 10 and 7 year old girls ask us how daddy's blood work is. What did his PET scan look like? Will the cancer ever leave his body and our home? When will there be an end?

Thankfully, Nick is doing well. He has defeated many odds. He has left many doctors speechless. But what we have been told is...the cancer will come so very angry. Nick is currently on "maintenance chemo," but in all honesty it does not feel like maintenance...He is still required to "serve" the same amount of time sitting in the chemo chair.

Our Ella...Our old soul, mother hen. She is a perfectionist. When she is sad or overwhelmed she keeps herself busy trying to perfect every other aspect of her life. How do I teach her that it is ok to not have the perfect life? How do I help her know that this is all out of her hands?

Brooke...our middle, our silent fighter. She recently shared with a therapist that she enjoys eating and feeling full when she is sad and feeling empty. How do I fix her little heart when some of her closest friends are breaking it?

Our Claire Bear...our finale baby, free spirit. She cries weekly about how hard she tries to stay on track and focus. To behave like a good girl. How do I help others to know that perhaps Claire cannot sit still and behave like some think she should because in her little mind everything is falling apart.

Me...Not only is my own life falling apart, but so are my girls'. I am their momma and I will never be able to fix any of this. How do I teach Ella she is enough? How do I help Brooke feel safe and full of love, not food? How do I help my sweet Claire without breaking her free spirit? How do I teach my girls that it is totally ok to not be ok?

Nick...How will I ever love him enough that he knows none of this is his fault?

To those who continue to tell me there is a medication to help all of us through this... I beg to differ. How will any drug protect my family from our daily heartache?

Our girls' lives are not fair, but I admire their ability to fight and keep going.

Teach kindness, friends. Teach your own babies that life is not fair and their are others struggling with more than they will ever know.

My heart does not break for me...It breaks for my babies and all the other babies going through stuff tougher than many adults will ever fight.

My babies will continue to fight that was never meant for them. They are WARRIORS.

love...and love madly...with your whole heart always..

Much love and grace, 

Steph

There are definitely good days, great days, and just plain blah days. But life is worth fighting for. Our days are numbered and very disposable. Life is tough, but dang it ...I am tougher. My heart hurts and aches, but I know in the end it is going to be so worth it.
My husband's cancer story will bring hope to others and glory to God. My family will continue to go on. Continue to fight every last fight. But I promise you it will not be pretty. Nothing about my life right now is pretty, but I truly believe it is worth it.
My girls continue to struggle which makes my heart ache. But they are strong. They are fighters. Tiny, little fighters. I envy their strength.
God has a plan. A great, big plan and I will so look forward to it.

Much love and grace,

Steph

Not many of you know this, a little over a month ago I drove myself to the ER so sure that I was about to die. My heart had been pounding for days, I had not really slept for over a week, I could not catch my breath or get enough oxygen into my lungs, my hands and feet were tingling, I had a weird burning sensation that started in my tummy and than throughout my entire body, I felt faint and my pulse and blood pressure were through the roof. 198/108 and pulse of 168 to be exact. I was scared and had a weird sense of shame...I could not shut off the noise screaming in my ears 24/7.  I walked myself into the ER the afternoon of January 19th all alone. Not because no one is there for me...mostly because I did not want to be a bother. I am a helper, a fixer, but rarely every can ask or except help from loved ones without guilt. I like to feel like I have my sh*t together. I love that people assume I am so strong. So silently I was suffering while painting the picture of a woman who has the perfect life, who is so strong, and a woman who loves and trusts God... who really is relying completely on God. But on that afternoon I had a very rude awakening. I needed help and fast. Over a year and a half of stuffed feelings finally came through and knocked me down for a couple weeks. The diagnosis of anxiety was completely out of line...I thought. I had told so many people I was fine, fabulous...that I believed it myself. I felt I had no right to be anxious. I felt I should be grateful even for my husband's cancer. Grateful I was healthy, but in all reality hoarding those feelings for that long was probably about to take my life. Anxiety definitely takes a physical toll on my well-being. I continue to suffer, but have found many ways to cope...Bible readings, prayer, medication<---yes MEDICATION, therapy, yoga and self LOVE. Everyday I am learning and finding ways to help myself and except help from others. I finally realize I cannot do this life on my own. Asking for help is BOLD and shows STRENGTH. I AM strong because I know when I need help.

Much love and grace,

Steph

Sometimes life stinks.

9 out of 10 times I am grateful for my life and situation. I am positive and welcome every one and everything with open arms and hands. I know for sure my God has a plan.

Every single good and bad. I spew out gratitude like it is no one's business. Like I have forever been hiding...

I am a blessed girl. Blessed but so very messy.

I am learning through cancer and my anxiety that it is completely ok to not being ok.

My "middle"<--my Brooke...my middle girl is struggling.

I want desperately to fix her, but I realize it is me that needs fixing.

One simple question that continues to haunt me..."Have you considered praying about your situation?"

Obviously I have blisters on my knees. I have begged God for answers, but I also know that until I hear my answers God is filling my life with people and things that can fill that void.

Some words that continue to haunt me..."At least one of your children will mirror your emotions, but on the outside. She can't hide the feelings like you, because she is far to young."

My middle has been struggling. Struggling to sleep. Struggling to deal. Struggling pretty much in every way possible. I hate that I totally feel like I am the one to blame and I have completely let her down.

While hiding and stuffing my own feelings she has been left to fend for herself.

I hate that she feels the anxiety, worry, depression of my life....I hate that she is struggling because I choose to continue to choke down every single negative feeling I have only to fill that space with a smile. 

I smile and pretend that all is good while she and I continues to struggle.

"How dare you feel anything but gratitude...?"

But here is what I am slowly learning...you can be grateful for the bad as well. You can grow during the bad. You can love yourself enough to love the good and bad. You can be grateful for the growth because of the not so great situation.

I am slowly learning that I need to let go of the things I cannot control. It is ok to not always be ok. It is ok to take time for yourself. To release the negative. It is ok to hurt for your children and not know how to fix them. It is ok to let your littles know that is it ok to not feel ok.

This past weekend I took the first step to healing and loving myself. My hope is that while I heal my own heart, I can also heal my family. 

Much love and grace,

Steph

In all the unknown...I know this much is for sure and 110% true.

God only wants the best for us. Always and forever.

I have shared my plans and hopes with you, but have neglected to share where God showed up.

Obviously, cancer is not an ideal solution or situation to my biggest, deepest life plans or problems. 

But with this diagnosis N and I have realized what and who are important to our lives. No amount of time working or money spent is more important than watching our 3 babies grow. No amount of anxiety and worry is worth missing out on our babies' every day life.

(I sit here writing, waiting for a couple of sick babies to finally pass out for the night in order to play the tooth fairy. But more importantly, to reflect ALONE on the day that has passed...but why???)

My girls look deep into my eyes only to see that I am forever their biggest fan, their momma, and their biggest cheerleader. 

The other night E (our oldest) found me in my bedroom, on my knees, begging God to work in our lives. To hear my cries and to work as I had planned.

She said, "Momma, God hears you. Just wait...let him work! He loves you! Just stop trying. Move out of your own way...HIS plan is always better...move over!"

So here I sit, trying hard to move out of the way and let my Father move. Move in and take over...DO your work and YOUR way...I'm ready!

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."-Jeremiah 29:11

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie

Lose Yourself

Sometimes...I need to let go of everything I once thought I was sure of...including yourself.

It's easy to grow up and have a million plans for your life. Sometimes, more often than not, MY plans for my life seem better, even when they are lacking in every.single.area..

I had the perfect "ever after" planned for N and I. We dated in high school. I shared my life dreams of becoming a mother with him and he supported me 110%. And that happened...quickly. And even more quickly I realized that I wanted more. I honestly believe our heart is never truly satisfied...NEVER.

My hubby and my girls consumed my every waking hour. My dreams were coming true in the blink of an eye, BUT in the blink of an eye I forgot who God had called me to be.

Every morning has been the same for the past 11+ years. Wake up, feed the girls, get them off to school, go to work, call N to see how he is feeling, decide if cancer will interfere in my day. Ultimately...will I be enough?

Behind all of this, I hide the anxiety and depression. Is the cancer responding to the drugs, is the cancer shrinking, is N feeling well and pain free, are the girls having a great, cancer free day??

All this worry and anxiety of the day...only to start over again. All while letting myself slowly slip away. INSANITY is what I call this...totally insane!

I constantly tell our girls, "Don't try to be too cool. Don't try to be the cool girl. Try to be different in a way to leave an impact. In a way that leaves others begging to be your friend. In a way that assures them that you can help change their lives" BE YOU...be the YOU God has called you to be! Go out and change lives.

My question is this, "Am I making a difference? Am I leaving a lasting impression? Am I living up to God's call?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Start over. Ever day is a new day.

You are needed and you definitely make a difference...

In the words of Salt-n-Pepa, "Lose yourself and the rest will follow"..

 

Much love and grace,

 

Stephanie Marie

My heart breaks...everyday

Hearts are broken everywhere!

With the recent news on the recent shooting in Florida, my heart aches...and my heart breaks.

I choose to NOT watch the news because it hurts my heart too much and that hurt can consume me in the blink of an eye. I feel that only the bad is shared on the news. Much of what is shared on the news is over and done and no one can possibly fix it by the time we hear about it.

Tonight while tucking in my babes for the night, E brought up the recent shooting at an airport. Lots of questions were asked about what may cause so much madness. I asked the girls what they thought about the shooting since I myself had not heard all the details. We talked about what caused this tragedy and one of out sweet girls (our youngest, who is only 6 years old) said that she believed the only way someone could possibly cause all this hurt must also be hurt themselves.

I truly believe that...I believe that someone commits these crimes and acts of hate ONLY because their heart and mind are sick. They may have missed out on a parent's love, they may have been bullied, but most likely they felt hopeless at least once...at least one time someone was left alone to feel completely hopeless...COMPLETELY!

I too have felt hopeless on far too many occasions. But I also know there are many other options...the most important being Jesus.

"How do we fix this?" I asked my sweet girls...

All three answered without hesitation, "We love hard, momma. We love without question. We love like tomorrow never comes. We love like no one is watching"

Wouldn't this life be so much better if we too loved like no one knew the hurt that filled this life? Wouldn't life be better if we only loved as if tomorrow would never come?

Love your neighbors, friends! And love them madly...no matter what! My girls helped me realize tonight that love is exactly what this world needs and exactly what this world is missing most...LOVE

I ask you all to love a little harder. Love a little deeper. AND love madly always and forever!

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie

I will trust in YOU

Trust. It's a funny word and one used often without considering it's actual meaning.

Throughout this entire cancer diagnosis I really learned exactly what trust means and just how much I used the word without really meaning it or using it in a form of a dare <--One I use often..."I trust that when I get home your rooms will be picked up and you will be loving each other well!" <--So silly when stating this to 3 young girls ;)

Often times throughout my life I have prayed to God and told Him that I trust His plan for my life and for His will to be done no matter what. But it wasn't until I was left completely helpless that I realized that often times right after telling God I trusted him...I went on to "fix' life my way and on my schedule. I had big plans for my life and waiting on God was not an option. I would say that I am most definitely the most impatient person you will ever meet...EVER! But I have learned quickly this last year and a half that my plans and my time schedule mean NOTHING!

My hubby had been doctoring for a very long time before we finally found our answers. All that time I was begging God for answers and most days I heard nothing from Him. Not because He wasn't there, but most likely because I was not willing to be still and wait for Him. I believe when we first found out in August 2015 I was finally ready to hear the truth. That whole time we were doctoring God was preparing me for what was to come.

In the middle of all the doctor visits I had decided to follow God's call for me to Haiti in March 2015. I had no clue why He called me, but at the time I thought I was there to serve and help others...to "fix" life in Haiti. This was exactly what I thought I needed and exactly what I was craving since I could not fix our life at home and definitely could not fix what was happening to my husband. What happened to me in Haiti I will never be able to fully explain. I left the country for the first time ever (actually only my 2nd time on a plane and 2nd time away from home without my family) with people who were from my home town, but also pretty much strangers to me.<--these same people have become some of my very dearest friends today. (A few of them I call my sisters I never had.) On that trip away from everything familiar to me I learned so much about myself. I, for the first time, totally trusted God. Because He was the only familiar thing from home I had to cling to that spoke my language and spoke to my heart in a way I could totally understand...there was "no language barrier" with Jesus and I for the first time ever. I learned that God is much better at "fixing" than I am. I was able to see just how beautiful life could be when I was in complete conversation with my God and completely, COMPLETELY trusting Him. It took me leaving everything and everyone I loved...I had to be alone to see how badly I needed a Savior.

When I returned home my hubby was still suffering without any answers, but come August our answers finally came, crashed, crushed, and completely broke me. I could not fix this, but I knew exactly WHO could. Even through my tears, anger and numbness I prayed boldly..."God, I trust you completely. I need YOU to fix this. I am handing my family over to you. May YOUR will be done. Amen"

And that my friends is where I believe I truly began to live...

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie

I'm BACKKKK!

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." -Unknown

I'm BACK! I'm going to give this whole blog thing another try. I have so much to say and I'm confident my Facebook friends are so close to sick of me ;)

Anyway, our family has been through so much over these last few years and especially this last year. My husband who has been my best friend since becoming my high school sweetheart was diagnosed with an awful, rare form of cancer. He is currently fighting and defying many odds. We have been married for 12 years. We have 3 sweet girls who I assure you are the strongest, most compassionate young ladies you will ever meet <-- I may be a bit biased ;)

I guess what I'm hoping is to use this blog as a form of therapy. I LOVE to write. I love to share and I so love to help others. Once I get my words and feelings all spewed out in the form of journaling I find myself feeling lighter and ready to take on another day.

I've shared many of my deep, raw feelings with a very dear friend and you want to know what she suggested??..."Why don't you blog, Steph? I'm sure there are many other women with a spouse or loved one dealing with cancer...Perhaps you could help them to know they are not alone."

What a novel idea...I love to help and most of all I want other women to never feel ashamed for the feelings they are feeling. As a wife to a husband fighting cancer I find myself most days just treading water, hoping to stay afloat. Ashamed to share my feelings, because I should feel grateful. I should be grateful for my health, my family, my friends, etc. But guess what...I would give anything to take my husbands place! I also believe we can be grateful for the bad experiences as well. Sounds crazy, I know, but honestly because of cancer our entire life and our outlook on life and what's important has completely shifted. I know, more now than ever, that every.single.bad day has blessings as well!

My hope is to share (at a minimum) weekly. Share the good, the bad, the ugly, the raw, and my very real days to possible give others hope. I plan to take off the masks...to be completely who God has asked me to be. I find myself begging God to give me a hint as to what my purpose is and I believe He wants to share my journey. I believe He is telling me my biggest mission is at home, but that I can also share the hope He has filled me with.

Last night on my Facebook page I shared this:

"17 things I'm sure of starting 2017...


·Cancer sucks
·Cancer does not pick "the deserving" because honestly no one deserves it
·Cancer has forever changed our family...do I dare say for the better?!
·We are stronger because of cancer
·Friends will come and friends will go...it's all part of God's plan
·No amount of plans compares to unplanned moments with the ones we truly love and need
·Haiti still tugs at my heart strings
·Pieces of my heart are scattered on the long road to Grace Village...and this is most likely not the year I will pick them up again
·My mission is at home...my family needs me
·My babies are stronger than they should have to be
·PET scans will forever be part of our future
·Life changes in the blink of an eye
·Bath time is never the same once you're an adult
·Even if the door locks you will choose to keep it unlocked
·Random acts of kindness are just as good for your soul as they are for the person receiving them
·Your heart is rarely satisfied. You will never feel like "enough"
·You're never really alone"

In return I received many concerned messages. My heart sank. I was hoping that no one felt hurt by what I said. I immediately thought to delete the post as to not offend anyone, but here's the deal...I do really feel these things on a daily basis, but neglect to share, because honestly I don't want people to feel bad for me or feel like I'm falling apart. Each one of these things could be looked at as negative, but each one of these 17 things have changed my life for the better. 

Cancer has without a doubt changed my life, wrecked the plans I HAD FOR MYSELF! BUT...God's plan is bigger. God has given me a journey and a voice to share it. My hope is to bring even the tiniest bit of hope to even just one person...

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says The Lord."-Isaiah 66:9 NCV

"The pain that you've been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming."-Romans 8:18

Until next time...

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie

I AM a sinner!!

Hello all! I've had lots of questions about my intentions with my blog. Some people thought I was writing to give others advice or judge/belittle others for their beliefs. So I feel like I should clarify.

My intentions are in no way to give advice. A lot of this blog is also reassuring and encouraging  myself and others.

I am not perfect! I do not think I even come close! I am not a great mom or a fabulous wife...I am far from perfect! I am a work in progress! I believe this is a whole life journey!

I am a sinner! I always have been! I truly believe sin is a desease of the heart! But I am trying to live more like Jesus! To follow His lead! But I am human! I make mistakes...every day, every hour, and every minute! I NEED Jesus!

I am so overwhelmed by God's grace! I have been blessed far more than I have ever deserved!

Following Jesus means loving and forgiving like he has! Forgiveness is a tough thing...I know that!

"But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."-Matthew 6:15

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, people make mistakes. People sin! We are human! The only "perfect" man to walk this life was Jesus! I am not trying to be Jesus. I am not trying to play God and judge others! I am trying to love a little more like Jesus! I have no intention to try to hurt anyone with this blog. I am not trying to say my life is perfect and you all need to live your life exactly like I live mine!

I just want to encourage others AND myself! The  time is coming! Jesus will come back! When he does I pray I will not feel ashamed of my life! I pray I can say, "I tried my hardest!" We all need a savior and no one and no thing, but Jesus, can fill that need!

Much love!

Steph

What does this all mean?!

So here I go! I cannot believe I am actually going to begin this crazy blogging thing, but I believe that this is a way I can give glory to God!

I will start by sharing a little about myself! I am a daughter, sister, wife, and mother of three little girls! Most importantly I am a daughter of an almighty God! Without my big daddy in Heaven I would be nothing! God has blessed my life more than I have ever deserved...now that my friends, is grace!

Nick and I started out as friends. He was just always there. One day I realized how truly special he was so I decided to ask him to be my boyfriend...yes! I asked him! We dated in high school. He asked me to be his wife on the eve of Christmas Eve 2002! I, of course, said yes! Nearly 10 married years later we have three beautiful, little girls! Ella is 8 going on 80! She is an old soul! She always has been! She has more trust in God than most adults I know. Brooke is 6! She came into this world without a cry but she was a fighter and continues to be that same fighter today! And than there is Claire! My little spit fire! She is crazier than any 3 year old I have ever met! We also have a set of twins waiting for us in Heaven along with both set of my grandparents! I cannot wait to hug them and love them all one day! That is one of God's promises I will cling to!

Before all this and throughout all this I have made some very stupid choices! (which i will one day  share) I walked away from God so many times! All that time I have had 2 loving parents that have supported me my whole life! I'm sure they have not always approved of my choices, but they have always loved me! They have stood by and watched me grow! I love them so much! Now that I am an adult I also consider them my dearest friends!

My baby brother is my hero! He was my first best friend even though I did not always treat him like he was! I hope that one day he will know how much I really have loved him!

Long story short, I have recommitted my life to follow Jesus! Throughout this journey I have met people who were once complete strangers at church and in life! I have so much love for these people! It is so strange to me! People I may have actually at one time judged! God has opened my eyes and my heart to them! I find myself praying for strangers almost daily! What I have come to realize is this...family is not just about blood! Church is not just about 4 walls! Friends are not just those you have lots in common with! God has called us all to love one another! So that is why I chose the title for this blog to be "We are HIS and so are they!" We are all God's children and Jesus is a friend and brother to us all! I think if we could just see each other through the eyes of God it would be so much harder to judge and hate!

God has so much to say! He wants us to come back to him! He is the only person who can completely fill every need we have ever had! Trust him! Love him! Let him in your life! And most importantly follow His son Jesus!

Jesus said, "For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."-Matthew 12:50

There you have it, WE are ALL family!

Much love and many blessings!
Steph