If you want to change the world...

2nd chances are never promised, but sometimes they are the gift of grace and mercy from our Heavenly Father. I have said several times that the day we found out about Nick's cancer we were given a 2nd chance to truly live. A life that mattered. A life worth living. I believe a lot of times we need a serious life change to realize we are not living the life God intended. That we are merely just going through the motions.

I do NOT believe that cancer is a blessing and I never will, but I do know that God has blessed our family tremendously through these dark, dark days. He has been there every step of the way even if I did not notice while stuck in the storm. But looking back I can definitely see His mighty hands at work in our lives.

For the last few years I have painted the image that I had my sh*t together. My family most likely looked like "The Facebook Fairy Tale." That I could do this hard stuff without a savior and definitely without outside help, because I believed I did not have time to wait on God to fix this. Many days I cried out, screamed out and ultimately blocked out our God. I have also questioned God's goodness more days than I would like to admit and still to this day...I have them poor me days. Days where I refuse to crawl out of bed. Days I drop my babies off at school only to quickly return home to crawl under the covers to avoid feeling what needed to be felt. To avoid the realization that God has bigger plans for my life.

I would have rather completely lost it behind closed doors and pulled curtains, only to post about how incredibly blessed I am. Don't get me wrong...I am absolutely blessed, but I am also human. I need help and need to humbly ask for help. I need to remember that there will definitely be days lacking rainbows and butterflies.

This past November I met an amazing mother-in-law. She shared with me that she so desired to feel needed. She felt guilty that her young daughter-in-law was fighting for her life while she felt fulfilled in life. She questioned why God would not choose her...she has lived a long, beautiful life. She helped me realize that when I would rather be left alone with my mess of a life... people are longing to find a way to help with anything. Let it be laundry, meals, cleaning my barnyard house. I believe God wants me to graciously accept help so that I can be used for more important, lasting life memories. One on one times with each of our girls to truly tap into what they need from me daily. My babies will not remember who came to clean on what day...they will remember the cleaning time I gave up to snuggle and devote to them.

Life is hard, but we are not meant to struggle through this alone. God has sent many helpers, many listening ears, and many people who just plain love us. "It takes a village..."

My hope for this blog is to reach the hearts of other caregivers and mothers. To not mask our daily struggles, but help them be ok with not being ok. To be real and raw through the good, bad and extremely ugly. To truly embrace your second chance to love on those who God has placed in front of us. Who really cares if your house is clean or your family is perfect? Just please remember none of us are promised a tomorrow. Whether you have cancer or not...your life could be completely changed in the blink of an eye. So love hard those that God has placed in your life...they are here for a reason. Ask and accept help...People need to feel needed.

They Call Me MOMMA

The greatest warriors this world will ever know call me Momma. 

As many of you know I am the wife of a young cancer survivor. I am the mother of 3 young girls who are fighting every single minute of every single day. They are small, but mighty.

It has been close to 2 1/2 years since Nick's diagnosis in August of 2015. But here is the part you may forget...Nick is not the only one fighting this disease. We have three sweet girls fighting every day.
While their daddy and Prince Charming was diagnosed with an  incurable cancer they were expected to keep moving forward with this world. They are expected every day to excel in school. To participate in the everyday normal while their little lives are far from normal and most likely never will be. My heart breaks for them every morning I send them off to school. To be judged side by side by children who will never know the ache they feel daily.

Each month were are given only a few good days with Nick. Every other week he endures chemo. Every two weeks we come home to have our 12, 10 and 7 year old girls ask us how daddy's blood work is. What did his PET scan look like? Will the cancer ever leave his body and our home? When will there be an end?

Thankfully, Nick is doing well. He has defeated many odds. He has left many doctors speechless. But what we have been told is...the cancer will come so very angry. Nick is currently on "maintenance chemo," but in all honesty it does not feel like maintenance...He is still required to "serve" the same amount of time sitting in the chemo chair.

Our Ella...Our old soul, mother hen. She is a perfectionist. When she is sad or overwhelmed she keeps herself busy trying to perfect every other aspect of her life. How do I teach her that it is ok to not have the perfect life? How do I help her know that this is all out of her hands?

Brooke...our middle, our silent fighter. She recently shared with a therapist that she enjoys eating and feeling full when she is sad and feeling empty. How do I fix her little heart when some of her closest friends are breaking it?

Our Claire Bear...our finale baby, free spirit. She cries weekly about how hard she tries to stay on track and focus. To behave like a good girl. How do I help others to know that perhaps Claire cannot sit still and behave like some think she should because in her little mind everything is falling apart.

Me...Not only is my own life falling apart, but so are my girls'. I am their momma and I will never be able to fix any of this. How do I teach Ella she is enough? How do I help Brooke feel safe and full of love, not food? How do I help my sweet Claire without breaking her free spirit? How do I teach my girls that it is totally ok to not be ok?

Nick...How will I ever love him enough that he knows none of this is his fault?

To those who continue to tell me there is a medication to help all of us through this... I beg to differ. How will any drug protect my family from our daily heartache?

Our girls' lives are not fair, but I admire their ability to fight and keep going.

Teach kindness, friends. Teach your own babies that life is not fair and their are others struggling with more than they will ever know.

My heart does not break for me...It breaks for my babies and all the other babies going through stuff tougher than many adults will ever fight.

My babies will continue to fight that was never meant for them. They are WARRIORS.

love...and love madly...with your whole heart always..

Much love and grace, 

Steph