I'm BACKKKK!

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." -Unknown

I'm BACK! I'm going to give this whole blog thing another try. I have so much to say and I'm confident my Facebook friends are so close to sick of me ;)

Anyway, our family has been through so much over these last few years and especially this last year. My husband who has been my best friend since becoming my high school sweetheart was diagnosed with an awful, rare form of cancer. He is currently fighting and defying many odds. We have been married for 12 years. We have 3 sweet girls who I assure you are the strongest, most compassionate young ladies you will ever meet <-- I may be a bit biased ;)

I guess what I'm hoping is to use this blog as a form of therapy. I LOVE to write. I love to share and I so love to help others. Once I get my words and feelings all spewed out in the form of journaling I find myself feeling lighter and ready to take on another day.

I've shared many of my deep, raw feelings with a very dear friend and you want to know what she suggested??..."Why don't you blog, Steph? I'm sure there are many other women with a spouse or loved one dealing with cancer...Perhaps you could help them to know they are not alone."

What a novel idea...I love to help and most of all I want other women to never feel ashamed for the feelings they are feeling. As a wife to a husband fighting cancer I find myself most days just treading water, hoping to stay afloat. Ashamed to share my feelings, because I should feel grateful. I should be grateful for my health, my family, my friends, etc. But guess what...I would give anything to take my husbands place! I also believe we can be grateful for the bad experiences as well. Sounds crazy, I know, but honestly because of cancer our entire life and our outlook on life and what's important has completely shifted. I know, more now than ever, that every.single.bad day has blessings as well!

My hope is to share (at a minimum) weekly. Share the good, the bad, the ugly, the raw, and my very real days to possible give others hope. I plan to take off the masks...to be completely who God has asked me to be. I find myself begging God to give me a hint as to what my purpose is and I believe He wants to share my journey. I believe He is telling me my biggest mission is at home, but that I can also share the hope He has filled me with.

Last night on my Facebook page I shared this:

"17 things I'm sure of starting 2017...


·Cancer sucks
·Cancer does not pick "the deserving" because honestly no one deserves it
·Cancer has forever changed our family...do I dare say for the better?!
·We are stronger because of cancer
·Friends will come and friends will go...it's all part of God's plan
·No amount of plans compares to unplanned moments with the ones we truly love and need
·Haiti still tugs at my heart strings
·Pieces of my heart are scattered on the long road to Grace Village...and this is most likely not the year I will pick them up again
·My mission is at home...my family needs me
·My babies are stronger than they should have to be
·PET scans will forever be part of our future
·Life changes in the blink of an eye
·Bath time is never the same once you're an adult
·Even if the door locks you will choose to keep it unlocked
·Random acts of kindness are just as good for your soul as they are for the person receiving them
·Your heart is rarely satisfied. You will never feel like "enough"
·You're never really alone"

In return I received many concerned messages. My heart sank. I was hoping that no one felt hurt by what I said. I immediately thought to delete the post as to not offend anyone, but here's the deal...I do really feel these things on a daily basis, but neglect to share, because honestly I don't want people to feel bad for me or feel like I'm falling apart. Each one of these things could be looked at as negative, but each one of these 17 things have changed my life for the better. 

Cancer has without a doubt changed my life, wrecked the plans I HAD FOR MYSELF! BUT...God's plan is bigger. God has given me a journey and a voice to share it. My hope is to bring even the tiniest bit of hope to even just one person...

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says The Lord."-Isaiah 66:9 NCV

"The pain that you've been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming."-Romans 8:18

Until next time...

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie