They Call Me MOMMA

The greatest warriors this world will ever know call me Momma. 

As many of you know I am the wife of a young cancer survivor. I am the mother of 3 young girls who are fighting every single minute of every single day. They are small, but mighty.

It has been close to 2 1/2 years since Nick's diagnosis in August of 2015. But here is the part you may forget...Nick is not the only one fighting this disease. We have three sweet girls fighting every day.
While their daddy and Prince Charming was diagnosed with an  incurable cancer they were expected to keep moving forward with this world. They are expected every day to excel in school. To participate in the everyday normal while their little lives are far from normal and most likely never will be. My heart breaks for them every morning I send them off to school. To be judged side by side by children who will never know the ache they feel daily.

Each month were are given only a few good days with Nick. Every other week he endures chemo. Every two weeks we come home to have our 12, 10 and 7 year old girls ask us how daddy's blood work is. What did his PET scan look like? Will the cancer ever leave his body and our home? When will there be an end?

Thankfully, Nick is doing well. He has defeated many odds. He has left many doctors speechless. But what we have been told is...the cancer will come so very angry. Nick is currently on "maintenance chemo," but in all honesty it does not feel like maintenance...He is still required to "serve" the same amount of time sitting in the chemo chair.

Our Ella...Our old soul, mother hen. She is a perfectionist. When she is sad or overwhelmed she keeps herself busy trying to perfect every other aspect of her life. How do I teach her that it is ok to not have the perfect life? How do I help her know that this is all out of her hands?

Brooke...our middle, our silent fighter. She recently shared with a therapist that she enjoys eating and feeling full when she is sad and feeling empty. How do I fix her little heart when some of her closest friends are breaking it?

Our Claire Bear...our finale baby, free spirit. She cries weekly about how hard she tries to stay on track and focus. To behave like a good girl. How do I help others to know that perhaps Claire cannot sit still and behave like some think she should because in her little mind everything is falling apart.

Me...Not only is my own life falling apart, but so are my girls'. I am their momma and I will never be able to fix any of this. How do I teach Ella she is enough? How do I help Brooke feel safe and full of love, not food? How do I help my sweet Claire without breaking her free spirit? How do I teach my girls that it is totally ok to not be ok?

Nick...How will I ever love him enough that he knows none of this is his fault?

To those who continue to tell me there is a medication to help all of us through this... I beg to differ. How will any drug protect my family from our daily heartache?

Our girls' lives are not fair, but I admire their ability to fight and keep going.

Teach kindness, friends. Teach your own babies that life is not fair and their are others struggling with more than they will ever know.

My heart does not break for me...It breaks for my babies and all the other babies going through stuff tougher than many adults will ever fight.

My babies will continue to fight that was never meant for them. They are WARRIORS.

love...and love madly...with your whole heart always..

Much love and grace, 

Steph