By Grace and Grace Alone

By Grace and Grace Alone

For much of my life I had thought Religion was all I needed. I had my "Good Christian" checklist all checked and completed by the time I was 22. I was baptized as an infant. Our family went to church every Sunday. I went to Sunday school and was confirmed. I was married in the church. I was a helper and a fixer. I volunteered for nearly everything. With all the good deeds I did, I was sure I had earned my way into Heaven. I thought for sure God must be smiling down on me and so proud of all I had done.

It was not until 3 little girls later and a young husband diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic cancer, that I realized I had it all wrong. As much as I wanted to, I could not fix this. Our hearts had been completely crushed. We desperately needed a Savior. It was there in our darkest days that I could see a tiny light. A flicker of hope and I so badly wanted to get closer. It was than that I realized that Heaven is not a place where you "earn" your way.

I knew I needed to do something different with my religion, honestly I did not feel like I even had time to blink let alone build a relationship with God. I was 33 years old with 3 sweet girls ages 10, 8, and 5. I needed to figure out how we would get through this. My heart was breaking. I was so scared and felt so alone. The only experience I had with cancer of a loved one was my grandparents, but not until I was an adult. How do you tell your babies their daddy has cancer and there is currently no cure...How do you break this to them without breaking their little hearts and crushing the dreams they had for this life? I decided I would take them to get an ice cream cone and take them to the park...that should ease their pain, right? Who was I kidding. I will never forget watching every ounce of hope drip out of their sweet little eyes. Where hope left, fear filled those eyes. Ella, our oldest and mother hen, needed to know all the details and wanted to know how she could fix this. Brooke, who is extremely quiet but such a lover. I watched her crawl into herself and not want to speak of it since that day. Claire, our finale baby, was so scared but knew nothing about cancer. She knew it was something bad because she watched her big sisters completely break down.

For most of the first year and a half, I lived on autopilot. Taking care of everyone and everything except myself. I ended up in an emergency room all by myself (not that I had to be alone. I have amazing family and friends who would have dropped everything to be there with me.) I thought for sure I was dying and did not want to bother anyone until I knew for sure that I was dying. The doctor was amazing. She sat and held my hand during an EKG. My heart was perfect, but how could that be when I felt so completely broken. She hugged me as she broke the news to me that I was not dying, but instead I was suffering from an anxiety attack and depression. At first I was angry. How in the world could that be...I am strong and a fixer.

That dark and cold January evening I opened my Bible to Romans 8:28

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

I felt as though the wind was knocked out of my chest. I knew I had not loved God the way I should. I was also not leading my family to him. Immediately I hit my knees sobbing. I knew at that moment my life would be lived completely different. For the first time in my life I felt an unexplainable joy and hope in a time that was filled with so many uncertainties. Every single day I pray that God will have his way with me. I pray that HIS will be done and not my own. It's a bold prayer that can be overwhelming, but at the end of the day I hope to bring his name glory.

Each day gets a little easier to rely on God and trust that he loves my family more than I could. I had to give my family to him. God does not ask us to understand his plan. He only asks that we trust him. When I truly began to put my faith in him, he began to move mountains in our lives. Every oncology appointment left us feeling hopeful. God was performing miracles. When the doctors told us they were not sure how Nick continued to do so well and defeat many odds....I knew exactly who was in charge.

Today I can boldly say that I am the daughter of a mighty King. He carries me, my burdens and my faults through each day. He walks before me, beside me and behind me. It is only because of the blood of Jesus Christ that I am saved.

My prayer for you all is for you to experience the love of Jesus in ways that you have never been loved by anyone else. I pray you find your way to our Heavenly Father. He's waiting for you to come closer. We need is to surrender and let him fight for us and carry us through this crazy, scary world. All we need is a little faith.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8

Much Love and Grace,

Steph

How Honest Is Too Honest?

"He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."- Psalm 147:3

Last nights bedtime started like most bedtimes here in the Bartelt household. E and I read. B and I play cards. C and I play "Spot It." Their bedtime routines are individual...just momma and one girl. This bedtime routine is so important to me because it gives me time alone with each girl to really dig in deep about their day. We ALWAYS do the 6 questions activity: "Today I was happy when...", Today I was sad or mad when...", "Today I was scared, worried, or nervous when...", "Today I was excited when...", "Right now I feel...", and "Bedtime makes me feel..." Sometimes we also add 2 goods and 1 bad about the day,

While tucking in my sweet Claire Bear she asked, "Momma, do you remember the day you broke our hearts? Ella, Brooke and Me? I forgive you, momma! And I also know your heart was broken that day as well. And I know your heart still hurts and lots about life has changed, but momma...we're makin" it! You're doing a good job gluing my heart back together, but I think there are probably going to be some scars, momma."

Boy do I remember that day. It was the afternoon of Wednesday, August 26th, 2015. I remember it like yesterday. I relive that day a lot...thinking of how I could have done it better.

The girls had known Nick had several dr appointments that week. They also knew their daddy was very sick. The whole way to daycare I tried to think of the best ways to break the news to them. Nick and I had decided I needed to tell the girls without him there. If they say how scared and sad their strong daddy was, that would have completely crushed any ounce of hope they had. 

I picked the three of them up from daycare and decided to get them icecream cones and take them to a near by park. I let the girls eat their cones in the car which never was an option. When we got to the park we found a bench to sit at to finish our icecream. That is where I shared the news with the girls. "Girls, you know how daddy has been really sick? We met with an incredible dr who can help him feel better, but I do have to tell you....Daddy has cancer." I had never seen that look of fear  in their sweet faces EVER. My heart was already broken and now I just broke their's.

They had lots of tears and double the questions. All I could say was that "no matter what we are a family. No matter what we have a God who loves us madly. No matter what we would get through this together as a family."

A lot has changed since that day...That was the day trust was born. Many people ask why I would share such devastation with them, but the one thing I always share is, "Yes, we are honest and upfront with our girls, but we are in no way brutally honest. We are age appropriate honest. We are honest without crushing hopes and dreams."

For our family, honesty works and is so important. Our girls are at an age where trust is so important. I feel like if I disregarded their questions and feelings they would definitely be left more confused and more hurt than before. What if they over hear new information from someone else? I would rather they hear it from Nick and I, so we can give them the information needed...sometimes very minimal depending on the age.

For us, age appropriate honesty works. It may not work for all, but I do encourage others in similar situations to be as honest as possible. That way when life happens there will likely not be many unanswered questions and broken hearts.

I broke my babies hearts that afternoon, but I promised to stand along side of them as we pick up the pieces and rebuilt our hearts together...piece by piece.

Much Love and Grace,

Steph 

Gifted with 3 Beautiful Responsibilities

Today I received several messages about my current self-care practices. Many shamed me for not taking enough "alone, ME time." But here's the deal...for me spending time with my family is not a burden. I would much rather spend time loving on my family than spending alone time with myself.

When you have your best friend and husband diagnosed with an incurable cancer you choose to spend your every waking hour with your family.

Of course I know it is important to take time for me, but I feel I will have plenty of time for that when my family is grown and no longer needs me as badly as they once did. God blessed me with these sweet girls and I believe my responsibility is to love them madly...in a way that they will never question the love of Jesus. So much of our lives are so uncertain, but the one thing I can keep constant is my love and devotion to their sweet little lives.

They lives are already a bit lonely, because many of their friends will never know the stress of waiting for their daddy's PET scan results. No one truly understands how devastating these test results can be. They need me to be 100% at the top of my game...there for the cries. There to pick up the devastated pieces of their hearts.

I choose to poor the majority of my life into theirs. Because my worst fear is to miss a cry for help. I want them to know I gave my all to love them fiercely and madly. I will one day get my alone time, but for now I am content loving my family so hard in this season.

Ella--> my mother hen, my old soul, my fixer and caregiver. I need her to just be 12. To let me carry her burdens and to mother her and her 2 younger sisters. If I were to take me time that would put a huge amount of responsibility on her shoulders...much more than any child should ever have to carry.

Brooke--> My sweet, heart fixer. My rainbow baby. My silent fighter. She needs reassurance daily that everything is going to be ok. She needs to know that we made it through today and tomorrow will come and we will survive that as well. If I were to take time away from home, she would be crushed with fear. She needs her momma to let her know that no matter what everything will one day be the way God intended it to be.

Claire Bear--> Our finale baby. She never takes life too seriously. She does know her daddy's cancer is serious, but she definitely lives her life full of joy. She needs her momma to be home for bedtime stories. She also needs to see her momma taking care of her daddy. She is still so young and definitely needs several more years with her daddy to get to know who exactly he is.

So, when people tell me I am failing life because I do not take enough me time....
What I have to say is very important...My girls complete me. They are all gifts and beautiful responsibilities given to me by my Heavenly Father. One day they will be grown and raising their own families and that is when I will focus more on me time. But for now...I am completely content loving my family. For now I am ok with being needed 24/7. What breaks my heart most is that one day they will not need there momma.

So, in this season...I choose to love my babies madly! I will most likely never, EVER get these days back.

If you want to change the world....start at HOME

Self-Care: It's a Tough One

"for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."

-1 Timothy 4:8 ESV

Self-Care is definitely a struggle for many. I also believe self-care looks different in each season of our lives.

The top five areas of self-care include:

01) Physical--> involves fitness and sleep habits. Also includes how you manage stress, you dental/medical check-ups, etc

      examples: walk, bike, work-out, lift weights, cardio, clean/organize

02) Intellectual--> involves personal growth, continuing pursuit for learning and education, engaging in new things, practicing mindfulness and having a positive mindset

      examples: read, DIY, turn off your phone and electronics

03) Social--> involves having a supportive network of people you can turn to when you need uplifting, guidance, or someone to talk to. Social connection helps create a sense of belonging and acceptance.

      examples: Friends, coffee/lunch/supper dates, letter writing, movie dates                          and dates to social settings such as bars and clubs

04) Spiritual--> involves the beliefs and values that help guide your life. Practices that help nourish your soul, seek understanding and explore your spiritual life.

      examples: pray, church fellowship, explore nature, read the good word                              (The Bible)

05) Emotional--> involves awareness of your feelings and emotions, dealing with stress positively and cultivating a sense of compassion, kindness, and love for ourselves and others.

       examples: meditate, yoga, journal, and gratitude practice

Right now in this season of life of having a husband fighting to beat cancer and 3 young girls who need so much, but most of all they need reassurance and time I find my self-care is much different than other seasons and especially other friends. I am needed 24 hours per day 7 days a week. Alone time...me time...it's not a top priority. And definitely is not doable.

I definitely lack in the Social aspect of self-care. Most days are awkward and lacking human interactions.

Most of all I need my "tribe" to say "I AM HERE. You need time! Come...spend time with me. I am here...here to listen. Here to talk and sometimes to never speak a word of cancer."

I need friends to check in...no matter what...check in to just be present. 

Your self-care definitely looks different than  my own, but I believe that is why the first word is "self." 

Right now my most important self-care practice is to breath...just breath. Focus on breathing correctly for 5 whole minutes...nothing else and nothing less.

Don't beat yourself up if you are lacking in the self-care department. Pick one doable thing for this season.

If you want to change the world...

2nd chances are never promised, but sometimes they are the gift of grace and mercy from our Heavenly Father. I have said several times that the day we found out about Nick's cancer we were given a 2nd chance to truly live. A life that mattered. A life worth living. I believe a lot of times we need a serious life change to realize we are not living the life God intended. That we are merely just going through the motions.

I do NOT believe that cancer is a blessing and I never will, but I do know that God has blessed our family tremendously through these dark, dark days. He has been there every step of the way even if I did not notice while stuck in the storm. But looking back I can definitely see His mighty hands at work in our lives.

For the last few years I have painted the image that I had my sh*t together. My family most likely looked like "The Facebook Fairy Tale." That I could do this hard stuff without a savior and definitely without outside help, because I believed I did not have time to wait on God to fix this. Many days I cried out, screamed out and ultimately blocked out our God. I have also questioned God's goodness more days than I would like to admit and still to this day...I have them poor me days. Days where I refuse to crawl out of bed. Days I drop my babies off at school only to quickly return home to crawl under the covers to avoid feeling what needed to be felt. To avoid the realization that God has bigger plans for my life.

I would have rather completely lost it behind closed doors and pulled curtains, only to post about how incredibly blessed I am. Don't get me wrong...I am absolutely blessed, but I am also human. I need help and need to humbly ask for help. I need to remember that there will definitely be days lacking rainbows and butterflies.

This past November I met an amazing mother-in-law. She shared with me that she so desired to feel needed. She felt guilty that her young daughter-in-law was fighting for her life while she felt fulfilled in life. She questioned why God would not choose her...she has lived a long, beautiful life. She helped me realize that when I would rather be left alone with my mess of a life... people are longing to find a way to help with anything. Let it be laundry, meals, cleaning my barnyard house. I believe God wants me to graciously accept help so that I can be used for more important, lasting life memories. One on one times with each of our girls to truly tap into what they need from me daily. My babies will not remember who came to clean on what day...they will remember the cleaning time I gave up to snuggle and devote to them.

Life is hard, but we are not meant to struggle through this alone. God has sent many helpers, many listening ears, and many people who just plain love us. "It takes a village..."

My hope for this blog is to reach the hearts of other caregivers and mothers. To not mask our daily struggles, but help them be ok with not being ok. To be real and raw through the good, bad and extremely ugly. To truly embrace your second chance to love on those who God has placed in front of us. Who really cares if your house is clean or your family is perfect? Just please remember none of us are promised a tomorrow. Whether you have cancer or not...your life could be completely changed in the blink of an eye. So love hard those that God has placed in your life...they are here for a reason. Ask and accept help...People need to feel needed.

They Call Me MOMMA

The greatest warriors this world will ever know call me Momma. 

As many of you know I am the wife of a young cancer survivor. I am the mother of 3 young girls who are fighting every single minute of every single day. They are small, but mighty.

It has been close to 2 1/2 years since Nick's diagnosis in August of 2015. But here is the part you may forget...Nick is not the only one fighting this disease. We have three sweet girls fighting every day.
While their daddy and Prince Charming was diagnosed with an  incurable cancer they were expected to keep moving forward with this world. They are expected every day to excel in school. To participate in the everyday normal while their little lives are far from normal and most likely never will be. My heart breaks for them every morning I send them off to school. To be judged side by side by children who will never know the ache they feel daily.

Each month were are given only a few good days with Nick. Every other week he endures chemo. Every two weeks we come home to have our 12, 10 and 7 year old girls ask us how daddy's blood work is. What did his PET scan look like? Will the cancer ever leave his body and our home? When will there be an end?

Thankfully, Nick is doing well. He has defeated many odds. He has left many doctors speechless. But what we have been told is...the cancer will come so very angry. Nick is currently on "maintenance chemo," but in all honesty it does not feel like maintenance...He is still required to "serve" the same amount of time sitting in the chemo chair.

Our Ella...Our old soul, mother hen. She is a perfectionist. When she is sad or overwhelmed she keeps herself busy trying to perfect every other aspect of her life. How do I teach her that it is ok to not have the perfect life? How do I help her know that this is all out of her hands?

Brooke...our middle, our silent fighter. She recently shared with a therapist that she enjoys eating and feeling full when she is sad and feeling empty. How do I fix her little heart when some of her closest friends are breaking it?

Our Claire Bear...our finale baby, free spirit. She cries weekly about how hard she tries to stay on track and focus. To behave like a good girl. How do I help others to know that perhaps Claire cannot sit still and behave like some think she should because in her little mind everything is falling apart.

Me...Not only is my own life falling apart, but so are my girls'. I am their momma and I will never be able to fix any of this. How do I teach Ella she is enough? How do I help Brooke feel safe and full of love, not food? How do I help my sweet Claire without breaking her free spirit? How do I teach my girls that it is totally ok to not be ok?

Nick...How will I ever love him enough that he knows none of this is his fault?

To those who continue to tell me there is a medication to help all of us through this... I beg to differ. How will any drug protect my family from our daily heartache?

Our girls' lives are not fair, but I admire their ability to fight and keep going.

Teach kindness, friends. Teach your own babies that life is not fair and their are others struggling with more than they will ever know.

My heart does not break for me...It breaks for my babies and all the other babies going through stuff tougher than many adults will ever fight.

My babies will continue to fight that was never meant for them. They are WARRIORS.

love...and love madly...with your whole heart always..

Much love and grace, 

Steph