Sometimes life stinks.

9 out of 10 times I am grateful for my life and situation. I am positive and welcome every one and everything with open arms and hands. I know for sure my God has a plan.

Every single good and bad. I spew out gratitude like it is no one's business. Like I have forever been hiding...

I am a blessed girl. Blessed but so very messy.

I am learning through cancer and my anxiety that it is completely ok to not being ok.

My "middle"<--my Brooke...my middle girl is struggling.

I want desperately to fix her, but I realize it is me that needs fixing.

One simple question that continues to haunt me..."Have you considered praying about your situation?"

Obviously I have blisters on my knees. I have begged God for answers, but I also know that until I hear my answers God is filling my life with people and things that can fill that void.

Some words that continue to haunt me..."At least one of your children will mirror your emotions, but on the outside. She can't hide the feelings like you, because she is far to young."

My middle has been struggling. Struggling to sleep. Struggling to deal. Struggling pretty much in every way possible. I hate that I totally feel like I am the one to blame and I have completely let her down.

While hiding and stuffing my own feelings she has been left to fend for herself.

I hate that she feels the anxiety, worry, depression of my life....I hate that she is struggling because I choose to continue to choke down every single negative feeling I have only to fill that space with a smile. 

I smile and pretend that all is good while she and I continues to struggle.

"How dare you feel anything but gratitude...?"

But here is what I am slowly learning...you can be grateful for the bad as well. You can grow during the bad. You can love yourself enough to love the good and bad. You can be grateful for the growth because of the not so great situation.

I am slowly learning that I need to let go of the things I cannot control. It is ok to not always be ok. It is ok to take time for yourself. To release the negative. It is ok to hurt for your children and not know how to fix them. It is ok to let your littles know that is it ok to not feel ok.

This past weekend I took the first step to healing and loving myself. My hope is that while I heal my own heart, I can also heal my family. 

Much love and grace,

Steph

In all the unknown...I know this much is for sure and 110% true.

God only wants the best for us. Always and forever.

I have shared my plans and hopes with you, but have neglected to share where God showed up.

Obviously, cancer is not an ideal solution or situation to my biggest, deepest life plans or problems. 

But with this diagnosis N and I have realized what and who are important to our lives. No amount of time working or money spent is more important than watching our 3 babies grow. No amount of anxiety and worry is worth missing out on our babies' every day life.

(I sit here writing, waiting for a couple of sick babies to finally pass out for the night in order to play the tooth fairy. But more importantly, to reflect ALONE on the day that has passed...but why???)

My girls look deep into my eyes only to see that I am forever their biggest fan, their momma, and their biggest cheerleader. 

The other night E (our oldest) found me in my bedroom, on my knees, begging God to work in our lives. To hear my cries and to work as I had planned.

She said, "Momma, God hears you. Just wait...let him work! He loves you! Just stop trying. Move out of your own way...HIS plan is always better...move over!"

So here I sit, trying hard to move out of the way and let my Father move. Move in and take over...DO your work and YOUR way...I'm ready!

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."-Jeremiah 29:11

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie

Lose Yourself

Sometimes...I need to let go of everything I once thought I was sure of...including yourself.

It's easy to grow up and have a million plans for your life. Sometimes, more often than not, MY plans for my life seem better, even when they are lacking in every.single.area..

I had the perfect "ever after" planned for N and I. We dated in high school. I shared my life dreams of becoming a mother with him and he supported me 110%. And that happened...quickly. And even more quickly I realized that I wanted more. I honestly believe our heart is never truly satisfied...NEVER.

My hubby and my girls consumed my every waking hour. My dreams were coming true in the blink of an eye, BUT in the blink of an eye I forgot who God had called me to be.

Every morning has been the same for the past 11+ years. Wake up, feed the girls, get them off to school, go to work, call N to see how he is feeling, decide if cancer will interfere in my day. Ultimately...will I be enough?

Behind all of this, I hide the anxiety and depression. Is the cancer responding to the drugs, is the cancer shrinking, is N feeling well and pain free, are the girls having a great, cancer free day??

All this worry and anxiety of the day...only to start over again. All while letting myself slowly slip away. INSANITY is what I call this...totally insane!

I constantly tell our girls, "Don't try to be too cool. Don't try to be the cool girl. Try to be different in a way to leave an impact. In a way that leaves others begging to be your friend. In a way that assures them that you can help change their lives" BE YOU...be the YOU God has called you to be! Go out and change lives.

My question is this, "Am I making a difference? Am I leaving a lasting impression? Am I living up to God's call?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Start over. Ever day is a new day.

You are needed and you definitely make a difference...

In the words of Salt-n-Pepa, "Lose yourself and the rest will follow"..

 

Much love and grace,

 

Stephanie Marie

My heart breaks...everyday

Hearts are broken everywhere!

With the recent news on the recent shooting in Florida, my heart aches...and my heart breaks.

I choose to NOT watch the news because it hurts my heart too much and that hurt can consume me in the blink of an eye. I feel that only the bad is shared on the news. Much of what is shared on the news is over and done and no one can possibly fix it by the time we hear about it.

Tonight while tucking in my babes for the night, E brought up the recent shooting at an airport. Lots of questions were asked about what may cause so much madness. I asked the girls what they thought about the shooting since I myself had not heard all the details. We talked about what caused this tragedy and one of out sweet girls (our youngest, who is only 6 years old) said that she believed the only way someone could possibly cause all this hurt must also be hurt themselves.

I truly believe that...I believe that someone commits these crimes and acts of hate ONLY because their heart and mind are sick. They may have missed out on a parent's love, they may have been bullied, but most likely they felt hopeless at least once...at least one time someone was left alone to feel completely hopeless...COMPLETELY!

I too have felt hopeless on far too many occasions. But I also know there are many other options...the most important being Jesus.

"How do we fix this?" I asked my sweet girls...

All three answered without hesitation, "We love hard, momma. We love without question. We love like tomorrow never comes. We love like no one is watching"

Wouldn't this life be so much better if we too loved like no one knew the hurt that filled this life? Wouldn't life be better if we only loved as if tomorrow would never come?

Love your neighbors, friends! And love them madly...no matter what! My girls helped me realize tonight that love is exactly what this world needs and exactly what this world is missing most...LOVE

I ask you all to love a little harder. Love a little deeper. AND love madly always and forever!

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie

I will trust in YOU

Trust. It's a funny word and one used often without considering it's actual meaning.

Throughout this entire cancer diagnosis I really learned exactly what trust means and just how much I used the word without really meaning it or using it in a form of a dare <--One I use often..."I trust that when I get home your rooms will be picked up and you will be loving each other well!" <--So silly when stating this to 3 young girls ;)

Often times throughout my life I have prayed to God and told Him that I trust His plan for my life and for His will to be done no matter what. But it wasn't until I was left completely helpless that I realized that often times right after telling God I trusted him...I went on to "fix' life my way and on my schedule. I had big plans for my life and waiting on God was not an option. I would say that I am most definitely the most impatient person you will ever meet...EVER! But I have learned quickly this last year and a half that my plans and my time schedule mean NOTHING!

My hubby had been doctoring for a very long time before we finally found our answers. All that time I was begging God for answers and most days I heard nothing from Him. Not because He wasn't there, but most likely because I was not willing to be still and wait for Him. I believe when we first found out in August 2015 I was finally ready to hear the truth. That whole time we were doctoring God was preparing me for what was to come.

In the middle of all the doctor visits I had decided to follow God's call for me to Haiti in March 2015. I had no clue why He called me, but at the time I thought I was there to serve and help others...to "fix" life in Haiti. This was exactly what I thought I needed and exactly what I was craving since I could not fix our life at home and definitely could not fix what was happening to my husband. What happened to me in Haiti I will never be able to fully explain. I left the country for the first time ever (actually only my 2nd time on a plane and 2nd time away from home without my family) with people who were from my home town, but also pretty much strangers to me.<--these same people have become some of my very dearest friends today. (A few of them I call my sisters I never had.) On that trip away from everything familiar to me I learned so much about myself. I, for the first time, totally trusted God. Because He was the only familiar thing from home I had to cling to that spoke my language and spoke to my heart in a way I could totally understand...there was "no language barrier" with Jesus and I for the first time ever. I learned that God is much better at "fixing" than I am. I was able to see just how beautiful life could be when I was in complete conversation with my God and completely, COMPLETELY trusting Him. It took me leaving everything and everyone I loved...I had to be alone to see how badly I needed a Savior.

When I returned home my hubby was still suffering without any answers, but come August our answers finally came, crashed, crushed, and completely broke me. I could not fix this, but I knew exactly WHO could. Even through my tears, anger and numbness I prayed boldly..."God, I trust you completely. I need YOU to fix this. I am handing my family over to you. May YOUR will be done. Amen"

And that my friends is where I believe I truly began to live...

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie

I'm BACKKKK!

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." -Unknown

I'm BACK! I'm going to give this whole blog thing another try. I have so much to say and I'm confident my Facebook friends are so close to sick of me ;)

Anyway, our family has been through so much over these last few years and especially this last year. My husband who has been my best friend since becoming my high school sweetheart was diagnosed with an awful, rare form of cancer. He is currently fighting and defying many odds. We have been married for 12 years. We have 3 sweet girls who I assure you are the strongest, most compassionate young ladies you will ever meet <-- I may be a bit biased ;)

I guess what I'm hoping is to use this blog as a form of therapy. I LOVE to write. I love to share and I so love to help others. Once I get my words and feelings all spewed out in the form of journaling I find myself feeling lighter and ready to take on another day.

I've shared many of my deep, raw feelings with a very dear friend and you want to know what she suggested??..."Why don't you blog, Steph? I'm sure there are many other women with a spouse or loved one dealing with cancer...Perhaps you could help them to know they are not alone."

What a novel idea...I love to help and most of all I want other women to never feel ashamed for the feelings they are feeling. As a wife to a husband fighting cancer I find myself most days just treading water, hoping to stay afloat. Ashamed to share my feelings, because I should feel grateful. I should be grateful for my health, my family, my friends, etc. But guess what...I would give anything to take my husbands place! I also believe we can be grateful for the bad experiences as well. Sounds crazy, I know, but honestly because of cancer our entire life and our outlook on life and what's important has completely shifted. I know, more now than ever, that every.single.bad day has blessings as well!

My hope is to share (at a minimum) weekly. Share the good, the bad, the ugly, the raw, and my very real days to possible give others hope. I plan to take off the masks...to be completely who God has asked me to be. I find myself begging God to give me a hint as to what my purpose is and I believe He wants to share my journey. I believe He is telling me my biggest mission is at home, but that I can also share the hope He has filled me with.

Last night on my Facebook page I shared this:

"17 things I'm sure of starting 2017...


·Cancer sucks
·Cancer does not pick "the deserving" because honestly no one deserves it
·Cancer has forever changed our family...do I dare say for the better?!
·We are stronger because of cancer
·Friends will come and friends will go...it's all part of God's plan
·No amount of plans compares to unplanned moments with the ones we truly love and need
·Haiti still tugs at my heart strings
·Pieces of my heart are scattered on the long road to Grace Village...and this is most likely not the year I will pick them up again
·My mission is at home...my family needs me
·My babies are stronger than they should have to be
·PET scans will forever be part of our future
·Life changes in the blink of an eye
·Bath time is never the same once you're an adult
·Even if the door locks you will choose to keep it unlocked
·Random acts of kindness are just as good for your soul as they are for the person receiving them
·Your heart is rarely satisfied. You will never feel like "enough"
·You're never really alone"

In return I received many concerned messages. My heart sank. I was hoping that no one felt hurt by what I said. I immediately thought to delete the post as to not offend anyone, but here's the deal...I do really feel these things on a daily basis, but neglect to share, because honestly I don't want people to feel bad for me or feel like I'm falling apart. Each one of these things could be looked at as negative, but each one of these 17 things have changed my life for the better. 

Cancer has without a doubt changed my life, wrecked the plans I HAD FOR MYSELF! BUT...God's plan is bigger. God has given me a journey and a voice to share it. My hope is to bring even the tiniest bit of hope to even just one person...

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says The Lord."-Isaiah 66:9 NCV

"The pain that you've been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming."-Romans 8:18

Until next time...

Much love and grace,

Stephanie Marie